Friday, October 24, 2008

Eyewear Trends*

I wear glasses. Every day, all day. Why? Because I have to. Now I have noticed over past year or so that more and more people are wearing glasses. Are our eyes getting worse? Are people opting out of contacts for the glasses? No and no. What we have now is an epidemic being spread amongst the masses perpetrated by hipster scum where people purchase glasses that have no prescription in them. Yes, you heard me right. NO PRESCRIPTION. Now, seeing as how I have worn glasses since I was a junior in high school, I can tell you, it's not something I would ever willingly choose to do. They get in the way of a lot of things like when I would like to kiss a lady friend or when I want to wear a pair of regular sunglasses. Now these might seem like little things to most, however, on a regular, day to day basis, these things get a bit frustrating. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "Quit whining and get contacts." Yes. I should. But I can't. For some reason, I have the most gorgeous eyelashes in the world. They are long and elegant and graceful and are actually sought after by many. I also have astigmatism which means the actual lenses I need are much larger than regular lenses. So, when my astigmatism-ed contact lenses have tried to meet my eyes through the most beautiful eyelashes in the world, it doesn't work out. I seriously cannot put them in. So I am forced to wear glasses so that I can see. But I digress. This post is in no way meant to make you feel bad about how amazing my eyelashes are.

To the strangers who see me at a bar and say, "Hey, nice glasses. Are they real?", you can take your wayfarers and sit on them, breaking the arm until you can buy a new pair and then do the same thing again. Yes, they're real. Why would I ever want to wear something that is completely unnecessary unless I have bad eyes or need eye protection while shooting a gun? It makes no sense to me. I enjoy snowboarding quite a bit but I am hindered by my glasses. I had to buy a special insert that goes into my goggles that gives me the same prescription as my glasses only to have the piece of plastic fog up and cause me to crash. If I didn't need glasses, I would not wear them. Period. Wearing unprescriptioned glasses is like wearing a helmet while watching television. It makes you look retarded.

I don't even know how to verbalize my disgust for those who unnecessarily wear glasses. Actually, it ios mostly directed towards the men. Women, you wear ridiculous accessories all the time because you are women and that is somewhat acceptable. I am still a bit bothered by the unnecessary glasses, but whatevs. It's the dudes that really bother me.

Men do not wear accessories.

The only "accessory" that is acceptable is a watch, and I don't really consider that an accessory because it serves a purpose of telling time, unless of course you are euro trash and you wear the thick leather banded watch that is way more jewelry than time piece, in which case you need to stop it. now. I can maybe see a small ring or maybe even a necklace, hidden from view, as being close to acceptable (but not quite) but if you are a guy and you are wearing glasses that only serve the purpose of looking cool, then you are no longer a man. You are a whore of the industry and there will one day be a book written about you aptly titled, "Unnecessary Trends: What Really Led to the Downfall of American Society".

I hate you for wearing my pain as your style.

*This post is from another blog I participate in. You can view the original here.


Robot-Five said...

At one point in this rant you reference the fact that you would never wear something that is completely unnecessary. I would like to argue this point, I believe there are a number of people that would vouch for me here, you are the worlds most ridiculous item collector, of unnecessary things. Here are three small items I know you collect that are completely unnecessary.
Hats that say SF on them, yes one hat is useful, no thirty of the same exact hats are not. Kinder surprise toys, yes one could play with a little toy that comes in an egg, no a 28 year old man can not play with them, hence unnecessary.
And last and definitely not least, you collect useless friends, like Ryan Silberman, yes friends could be useful, but not that guy, he is unnecessary.

mr.hustle said...

wait, so I really don't have to be friends with you anymore?

kinders aren't accessories.

the different colored hats reflect my different colored moods and give me different powers. the one I wear around you makes me invincible and reflects my "I-feel-so-sorry-for-this-guy-because-he's-retarded" mood.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this was a in the final analysis worth post. In theory I' d like to disparage like this too - entrancing point and actual attainment to prevail upon a gigantic article... but what can I say... I hesitate alot and in no mo = 'modus operandi' appear to on something done.